From D.C. to Beijing

Saturday, April 21, 2007

Eva

Ok this is were I warn you that if you don't like what I post too bad. Meeting Eva was one of the most incredible and heart wrenching experiences of my life. It was mushy and horrible all at the same time.

We open the door and there is our guide with the director and the nanny carrying Eva. When I first saw her I was sure so sure it hurt that this was not my baby. She was so little and had no fat on her anywhere. The last pictures we have of her she was 1.5 months old and here she was at 21 months. She was ok while the nanny held her but when the nanny gave her to the director to give to us she was not happy. the shrilling cries were so heart breaking. Here this was supposed to be such a happy day for us and it was a horrible one for Eva.

N and I read the books. Not just the pink happy joy adoption books but the scary ones too. The ones that talked about RADS. We were as prepared as we could be having never adopted before.

Eva did not want me or n to touch her. When we had to hold her for the picture she was so angry. she has this growling cry that to be honest sounds a little feral. We filled out the paperwork which gave us custody of her for the night. She passed out in my arms while we finished the paperwork. Everyone left to room and we were to see them again to finish the paperwork at 9 am the next morning in the hotel.

Eva woke up for a second saw N and I and passed out again. She woke up a bit early I think it was about 5am and then we went to breakfast.

She hated us! Oh my word how she hated us. She hated for N to even look at her. She hated me but she knew she had to let one of us feed her and change her.

She was listless and was shut down. Here she was 21 months old and she would not walk and could barely hold her head up. she has special needs but they were supposed to be a cleft lip and palate. I was not prepared for the degree to which she seemed autistic. She would stare at her hands or nothing at all. she would not crawl and would barely hold her head up.

It was terrifying. I kept thinking....WHAT HAVE I DONE!

I was hoping beyond hope that she was just shut down. But N and I had agreed before we left for china that NO MATTER what we saw in Eva that we would bring her home. Even if we thought we could not be her parents we would bring her home and find her a better family.

I had worked in a group home for children with autism so Please understand I had seen it close up. I had take care of those boys in that home and knew what autism looked like. I was so scared I am not even sure I told N that I truly believed her to be autistic.

She had trouble with things touching her skin. She had the most horrible rash on her skin. She did not register pain AT ALL. She would hit her head on the floor or fall or bang herself and it was nothing.

She hated to be given any love or affection. She hated to be held but she hated to be put down.

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