From D.C. to Beijing

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Random Thoughts

When I get the chance I will post some pictures of Chicklepea in her little Halloween outfit. She is so cute it hurts to look directly at her. That smile could bend mere mortals to their knees.

She has been doing so well. I can tell her speech is starting to get better not tons or as quickly as I hoped but slow and steady. She seems to like her Speech therapist.

She is still massively obsessed with the Disney princess sing along dvd. It is cute though. She will act out the parts in the dvd. She has such a memory! To be honest I fear my future with this child. She loves to dance and sing and makes us dance with her. Poor N has to be prince charming and aladin.

Chicklepeas has made huge strides in her attachment issues. N and I have figured out the pattern now. She will improve and then regress and then improve some more. I am so glad we figured this out because during the regression it was so hard to not lose home.

Those first 6 months with her were so hard. To be honest I think I have suppressed most of it. I am not saying there were no good times. There were times of such great joy it brings me to tears but those times were few and far between. Now she is just so much more what I think is the real her. The incredible, sweet child not as bogged down by fear, grief and anger. I have never begrudged her those feelings but lets be honest it hurts. It hurts to see your child look at you with fear and rage when all you want to do is love her. As I start to feel a little sorry for myself that I did not have the hearts and rainbow adoption story I tried to stop and thing of her. When I feel the sadness that comes I think how much harder it was for chicklepea. She had to mourn,grief,hate and rage. She had to do all of this while being ripped from her home, her language and her country. She had to learn to trust us and now she is learning to love us and be part of our family. And she had to do all of this with little to no ability to effectively communicate. She had to carry all of this burden on her tiny little shoulders. It breaks my heart that this is what became necessary for her to have a family. I wish that she didn't have to lose her mother so that I could become one.


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