From D.C. to Beijing

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Great resource

This has been in the news but just wanted to say it helped me to see some of chicklpeas sensory issues in a new light.

Check it out

Thursday, October 18, 2007

fun little game

just thought this was kinda fun

Friday, October 12, 2007

Something silly about me says I'm a Nerd Queen.  What are you?  Click here!

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Random Thoughts

When I get the chance I will post some pictures of Chicklepea in her little Halloween outfit. She is so cute it hurts to look directly at her. That smile could bend mere mortals to their knees.

She has been doing so well. I can tell her speech is starting to get better not tons or as quickly as I hoped but slow and steady. She seems to like her Speech therapist.

She is still massively obsessed with the Disney princess sing along dvd. It is cute though. She will act out the parts in the dvd. She has such a memory! To be honest I fear my future with this child. She loves to dance and sing and makes us dance with her. Poor N has to be prince charming and aladin.

Chicklepeas has made huge strides in her attachment issues. N and I have figured out the pattern now. She will improve and then regress and then improve some more. I am so glad we figured this out because during the regression it was so hard to not lose home.

Those first 6 months with her were so hard. To be honest I think I have suppressed most of it. I am not saying there were no good times. There were times of such great joy it brings me to tears but those times were few and far between. Now she is just so much more what I think is the real her. The incredible, sweet child not as bogged down by fear, grief and anger. I have never begrudged her those feelings but lets be honest it hurts. It hurts to see your child look at you with fear and rage when all you want to do is love her. As I start to feel a little sorry for myself that I did not have the hearts and rainbow adoption story I tried to stop and thing of her. When I feel the sadness that comes I think how much harder it was for chicklepea. She had to mourn,grief,hate and rage. She had to do all of this while being ripped from her home, her language and her country. She had to learn to trust us and now she is learning to love us and be part of our family. And she had to do all of this with little to no ability to effectively communicate. She had to carry all of this burden on her tiny little shoulders. It breaks my heart that this is what became necessary for her to have a family. I wish that she didn't have to lose her mother so that I could become one.

Friday, October 05, 2007

8 months as a family!

Yesterday was our 8 month anniversary as a family of 3. We have had a rough week here with little chicklepea sick, baba's new job and my test. It has been tough but we are hanging in there. Sorry there are no new pictures but to be honest we haven't been able to get out much.

We were going to go pick out a pumpkin but it has been in the upper 80's and I really want to go when it feels like fall. It is times like this I miss living in Rhode Island, Massachusetts and Minnesota.

We are doing better with attachment now that I recognize her pattern. She will have a few really good weeks where there will be vast improvements in her attachment to us and then she will regress some. A few days to a week later she is back to here previous attachment level and then improves some. It is a cycle and now that I see it I am able to weather the regression much better.

Eva has had some improvements in her speech. She is now sometimes making the b sound, the w and a very rare r. I am so proud of her. I cannot even imagine how hard the last 8 months have been on her.

She was never asked if she wanted to come to our family. She fits in so well with N and I. I love to see her grow and change, I know the adoption questions are coming. She is a smart person and it is only a matter of time. I hope I can give her many of the answers she will need. I know there are many questions I will have no answer for. I cannot tell her so many things about those 21 months I missed. I did not carry her or give birth to her so I cannot tell her about how that experience went. I hope to be able to guide her to finding the answers she will seek. I cannot ever know what she will feel and I think if I ever portrayed that to her that I would be minimizing her experiences. I will be loving when she is angry about her loss, I will give her space to seek her answers. I will try not to let my desire to be her mother get in the way of her happiness.

I want above all things for my sweet baby to be happy.

It has been an incredible 8 months!!

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

Wow, just wow

This post is not really about Chicklepea so skip it if you want.

President Bush vetoes kids insurance.

I am so glad that he and all of his wealth, white friends children all have great insurance but COME ON!!!

This is so sad that the United States of America does not care that children have no insurance.

This sickens me.

For a great cartoon about this go HERE.

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

What to do, what to do?!?!

Ok this post is mainly out of frustration. As many of you know N and I truly desire to move back south. We want to live near our parents. There are many reasons for this.
1. We are most comfortable in the south. This is where we grew up. May not live in the same small town we grew up in but at least be closer to family.
2. It is cheaper. Housing cost in the DC area are crazy. Even with the market cooling off we can still not afford that 500k townhouse.
3. I want Chicklepea to live near her grandparents. She loves them so much and I know it would enrich her life if she could be closer to them.

Now as most of you know for the last 7 years N and I have tried to move back south. No matter how hard we try it just never seems to be the right time or the right job. This is so frustrating!!

But as we were talking again about when to sell the condo and we again run into this issue of wanting to not buy again here(if we could find something affordable) or maybe renting after we sell until sometime next fall.

Now that we have Chicklepea the issue of where we move is so much more difficult.
1. She deserves to live in an area where she is not seen as "exotic"(this really sickens me so much I cannot really talk about it)
2. She deserves to go to a school where she frequently sees people who look like her.
3. She should be able to have friends who live near her look like her also.
4. she should be able to go to stores, restaurants and playgrounds where she is not the only child who looks like she does.

As much as i loath where we live now(because of cost and traffic) it has many good points. Chicklepea can see people who look like her everyday and in almost ever place we go to.

Chicklepea has lost so much in her young life that n and I cannot ignore the things that might make her life easier. She has lost her mother and father, her family, her culture and her country. She is such a joy and blessing in our families but our joy was a huge tragedy to her, and her family. I honestly cannot even begin to think of how we talk to her about this. She is so smart I think we will need answers to these questions sooner than later.