Day 80 still waiting for our TA!! And how did we get here?!?!

Ok this is no longer funny. We are not amused! And by we I mean me and possibly N and maybe some of our family or maybe not. I have no idea why it is that we are still waiting. I was so sure we would have her home by now and this is just getting sad.

Very very soon N and I will be crazy! Neither of us knows what to do about school. Should I take both of the classes I have left or just the 1 I am signed up for? Should N take the semester off knowing this may keep him from graduating from his current school?

We have no idea and this whole life on hold business is not funny anymore. I really mean it!

(Please do not in anyway express to N or I that we should not put our lives on hold. We have to. We cannot take a vacation or plan for classes because we KNOW she will be here soon. The problem arises when soon can be next month or May.)

Day 76 and the care package

Today is day 76 of the TA wait! I am not sure how much longer N and I can wait!!

We got Evie's package together and N mailed it today! It took us forever to put it together and then when we finally finished it we couldn't find the address! I was able to find someone who had the address from the yahoo board! So here is what we sent and a picture of N on his way to mail it.

The little photo album has two pictures of N and I together and 1 each of us alone and 1 each of her grandparents. We wanted to put a picture of her aunts and uncles but I miss counted the pages the album had. So she will have to wait till she is here to see the rest of her family.

Day 70

Wow it is day 70 and we are not happy!

N got great grades for his two classes and well, I got out alive! Enough said.

Day 65

Today is day 65 waiting for TA and we still have no news or even an idea of when we may go.

Adoption not natural?

Alright really I should stop reading other people's blogs lol. The idea that adoption is not natural makes me think. I know that adoption is not natural. Because of my religious beliefs I believe that Eva was meant to be my daughter but no its not natural. But then neither is modern medicine and operations which not only save people but help them to have normal lives. The medical care that my sweet Evie needs is not natural either but it will improve her life in such a profound way that I would be a horrible person if I denied it to her because it is not natural. I mean surely intelligent people can accept this idea.

What is natural about adoption then? LOVE!! The deep innate human desire to love and be loved. That is natural and I am so sad for people who do not accept this concept in their lives. I will love Eva who is not bound to me because as a human being I have a profound need to love and to be loved. Just like my daughter.

Now I have no silly notion that Eva will be just like me or N. She will not look like us and she may have a personality that will leave N and I to ask where it came from. But my mother has 4 daughters and we are all very different and yet we were parented by the same 2 people.

So as for adoption not being natural well neither is that medicine that we take everyday or that car you are driving to the mall today to buy chemically processed goods!

Warning.... Rant

Still no news on TA. I wanted to post about something I read as I was avoiding working on my papers and take home finals. I was researching more about issues adoptees have as they get older. I ran into a few pages where women who had placed their children for adoption now years later talk about how horrible adoption is. One went so far as to say that it would have been better for her child to be dead rather than adopted. WOW! I do not doubt that this women suffered unimaginable grief over not being able to raise her child. I have such a hard time with that statement because it seems so terribly selfish. Now being someone who cannot have children I am very very biased. I still cannot get over that statement.

Another woman stated she did not believe adoption should EVER occur. This is the statement that got me so angry and yet very thoughtful. First lets be honest adoption is self for me. I want to have Evie in my home. I want to see her grow up. I want to see her become a wonderful child, a stubborn teenager and an incredible adult. I want to be in her life and that is selfish. I would however ask ANY mother if they have no selfish motives in having children. It is a role that many women desire to have in their life and if they didn't then there would be few children with such great birth control.

I know that Evie will mourn not knowing her mother. But before we even knew Evie existed she had already lost her mother. I know she will mourn her heritage. It is a loss that she will have to deal with. She will hate N and I at some point and we know this. The difference between that woman and me is I love her and I want her in my life and so I accept that she may very well hate me and blame me for her life. But this does not bother me for a few reasons.

I do NOT believe I am saving Evie from anything. N and I do not want to be her parents so we can be some sort of saints. We just want a child to raise and I have already admitted this is a selfish thing. If my daughter in her adult life hates me for adopting her I will be able to live with this. I will know she was taken care of, given opportunities for education, her lip and palate fixed, her many many years of speech therapy done, the many thousands of dollars in dental bills will be paid and the countless hours of love. If she had all of these things which she will and she can still hate N and I then so be it. When we are adults it is now our responsibility to be who we want to be.

No one on Earth has a perfect family nor is anyone entitled to one. I have an incredible family. They love me and support me but no one in my family is perfect. No family is and if Evie or other adoptees are looking for that then if they ever find a perfect family let me know because I want to see it. Until then I will not be made to feel guilty for adopting Evie. I will not question my ability to love her. She is not my blood but she is my heart. One of my strongest bonds of love is to someone of no blood relations. My sweet N. I could not even begin to express my love for him. If people except all around the world the great love one can have for their spouse who is no blood relations then why do they doubt that one can love a child that is not related by blood

...............end rant

Day 55

Today is day 55 in our wait for TA. A post on our agency board leads me to believe they think we will not get our TA until sometime in January as long as there is not another slow down. It was really depressing because I was still holding out hope we would travel in December to get her. Now we are going to have to worry about travel during Chinese New year and the trade show.

The New Pictures of Eva

OK I am going to post the new pictures we are 98% sure are Eva. A very nice lady who just brought her daughter home had sent a care package. She included a disposable camera and had ask that the director take pictures of her daughter. she posted that the pictures had a few other babies and pictures of the SWI. Because we cannot go to this SWI we wanted to see it and we had a small sliver of hope that Evie might be one of the babies in the pictures. SHE WAS!!! When I saw the picture of her looking down at the toy with those cheeks puffed out I knew it was her.

We cannot believe how lucky we are that Evie was in these pictures and that this incredible lady was willing to share them. Her daughter and another baby were in the picture but we cropped them out. So N and I wonder if these little girls might have the same nanny. She would have been around 17 months or so in these pictures.

Excited!! Maybe new Pictures of Evie...not sure

Alright we might ...might have new pictures of Evie. A very nice lady from the yahoo boards posted she had pictures of her daughter that had other babies in them. We think Evie is in a few of them.. It looks so much like her but since we are not sure I am not going to post them here......at least not yet. If you would like to see the pictures and help us with identification please email or call and we will send them to you.

Day 51 waiting for TA and Evie is now 19months old

This wait is starting to drive me crazy! I cannot believe we will have another Christmas without our baby. She turned 19 months old yesterday! I was going to post about ti but we didn't have power for most of the afternoon and evening. I swear if the wind even blows a little we have no power.

Well we are still trying to decide if we want to send Evie a package or not. Believe it or not this is a huge amount of stress. I mainly want to send cameras so they will take pictures of her and her life there. But so far I have 2 different addresses for her SWI. I have no idea what to do. There is a company who will do this but it a bit expensive and does not really have what N and I want to send our baby. So we are still trying to figure this out.